Up and Down & Back again

It's quite a while since I wrote some lines.

Well, you know me right?! I was on the road again. 

Sitting now in a coffee and have to time to write about my last weeks which have been very much a challenge, as things came out totally the other way then planed. 

You remember, I was working in Sweden and came back to Berlin this year. 

It was February, after I did my holiday in Thailand and it seemed I gotta start working as a teacher. 

Here it should be a good thing but as live sometimes is, it turned out to be not like that. When all was ready to start, it all went down. The whole academy did not open and I was on route one. 

Breath in. Breath out. I started searching again for a new job and as I was in Berlin, it was logical to do so here in town. After a few weeks without any positive result I tried to see other possibilities for my future. Where could it be best to build up a future. In another german town? 

No, that was no option for me as I know I would not feel good long enough and that is bad if you want to build up something longer and stronger and new. 

So I turned around look to Gothenburg again, as I still had good contact with my old folks. 

Still had no offer to work in Berlin I searched for job in Gothenburg and was there for interviews. 

All were very interesting and went out quite well and surprisingly I got very god respond. 

But I did not felt sure all the time if this is really the place, thought no job in sight that place would be best. Turns out the chances are after all not that good in Sweden as I am only for short time work there and this is something I am quite very tired of it. Changing the place you work so often, it is only good as long as you are young. Very young and in the beginning of your working life but I think it is time that the health industry understands that one reason why so many nurses are missing is the fact that above the low money pay is the fact that you always have to start a new. Always having new people around you, always start again getting to know everything. It's exhausting and the older you are the less you fancy such. The results in Germany is devastating already and Sweden is right on to get the same result. 

But I was feeling unsure because I did not felt 100% for Berlin or Gothenburg. I kind of said good buy to the pictures I had in mind of both owns. The pictures who captured my mind through the last years. Such happen to all of us, that we start to see in one point our towns only that or this way and ignore other parts of reality. It's naturally as we can live on that way more easy.

Now then I got two offerings for en interview in Berlin when I was in Gothenburg. Finally those I was waiting for and as you can imagine. The up and down with my feelings starts again. Being prepared for a live in Gothenburg and then getting the chance to work in the town I lived next to whole my life and then work as a manager for quality in nursing and nit just a short time, well ... it made me finally do the Pro & Contra List we all recommend others. 

That list showed not a big difference but big enough to tell me Berlin was the better place. I had a lot of question on that list and finally took the three most important things. 

One- the work- the chances and what I get do next to it- well there Berlin was after the interviews in Gothenburg better then I believed in the beginning. As I don't fancy wasting time to do my next steps also in learning something for the future, Berlin gives me that chance, while I had to minimum take another year of waiting in Gothenburg.

Second- the living situation- that may be not a big thing for many, but as I lived 20 years alone and now living since 9 month just on other places but my own, it is a very important thing for me as I since a while have the feeling that living with others together getting me on the nerve. I guess, would I have been 20 or 25, it would not matter or if I always lived together with others, but that is not the case. So Berlin wins totally. 

Just to name the first both... Imagine, this is not really an easy way to decide after all I have friends of both sides. And yes - sorry folks I will not start working in Gothenburg. And yes dear folks from Berlin.. I know your eye rolling now and thinking- again?! It's confusing! 

If you feel crazy after that here you know how I feel. But now finally I'm gonna start working in Berlin and can also start going to university. 

After all those up and downs has it good. You leave things behind you had in mind and you are ready to start again, and I can start in a way that I will not change the working place all the time. But I also understood my own borders and what I don't want any longer. I try to be open but sometimes you have to admit that you get older and want things to slow a bit, that you want things to have a bit more sure and save and that you have sometimes to be egoist and ignore everything around you and just follow the best possible way. There will always be someone sad. There will always be something to compromise. Money really isn't everything. (which Sweden wins totally)

But I guess you wonder if I really stay on that point.

I won't and that's o.k. and you'll get use to it. 

Now enjoy some pics from Gothenburg.

LOVE & LIGHT

17. March- St Patrick Day

So it is time again for the Irish people (and many more) to celebrate their St Patrick Day. 

St. Patrick- the Patron Saint of Ireland and everyone is having green clothes and celebrate actually everything Irish. 

But wait the patron is not even Irish himself! 

He is actually English. He started his live as a British man in the fifth century and nobody actually knows when exactly he is born and his name was not Patrick even, though here we still don't know his true name too. 

What is known as far is that he has been kidnapped at the age of 16 from Irish pirates who sold him to Ireland as a slave. 

He therefor was put to look after animals in County Antrim for a view years before he went back to Britain. But before he spend a lot of time praying on the mountain because he believed that his kidnapping was a punishment from God as he did not believe in him before, although his father was a deacon. 

It is said that after six years being in Ireland he returned to his home country and became there a bishop and took the name Patrick but then decided to go back to the Irish people where he was not welcome but with time he overcame their enmity and converted many to Christianity. 

The green color is often believed in reasoning of his clothes but it is the shamrock, which he used to explain the Trinity. That's why the shamrock is everywhere to find still today. 

By the way it is also said that he banished all snakes from Ireland but this is most surly a story which symbolizes his mission to rid the country of its bad and mad paganism.

Interesting, isn't it?

Now wonder why just the 17. of March? Right so! It is believed to be the day St Patrick had died.

But as I already mentioned - today we celebrate this day of all things Irish.

And just for a short notice- one of my english teachers came from Ireland. 

:-)

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Love & Light

Where to draw the line?

A question I ask myself from time to time. 

Just yesterday when I watched the final of the - melodifestival - from Sweden and Måns Zelmeröw became the winner with his song "Heros", I also got remind of his drunk talking about Gays. He showed a homophobe side and afterwards he has regret it and said sorry. In Sweden for the most people therefore it is settled that he is o.k. again now. 

Question is, is he? Because we tend to show our true side when we are drunk. Or was it just a stupid mistake and we should take it as such? 

Or the other day when I read about Russel Tovey and that he was talking about liking his muscles and being happy not looking feminine. He got a shit storm and people called him racist agains feminine boys and man. They called him having a problem with his feminine side and man who are less strong build. I found nothing like this in his speech, though he pleased for forgiveness and said sorry. But I though why does he have to, as I did not felt offensive. Actually I wonder if those people accusing him of being racist are those who have a problem. It is not a  secret that many gays have a problem with drags, feminine boys and like this as they don't feel comfortable with their own "women" side. Mostly surly they only do feel unsure for a short time as they get comfort of being out as gay man with time and so also with the other side. 

Discrimination is often something very difficult to tell as it is much about the other person who feels being discriminated or offend like a colored man can feel himself as a victim of the joke you just made. 

Just now we also have a backlash in sexuality and the freedom we got since the 60-70`s. 

I mean now a painting from a young boy from Caravaggio is called pornography as it shows a nude child and so a man or women is a pedophile liking this kind of painting. 

It reminds me of a time when giving as a boy a girl a piece of candy in her mouth with your own hands was a reason to get suspended from school.

Our political correction of thinking, our you must never discriminate in no way anybody, our many rules against making people offensive have lead to a big problem and got us to a line we have hard to see. A very thin line and our black and white thinking and - only I'm right- thinking, have lead us to a very questionable place. The place of the questions when is it to much, when is it true what you say as people use to swing in their ways. 

But then we also got a problem with the healthy way of being able to change your opinion and being able to learn from mistakes. We have learned to not to trust them as certain people misused them.

So where to draw a line? 

One may think a healthy human mind is able of thinking self and being able to see it. But we have become so unsure that even when we try it is hard to find a point to be sure that what we heard is what we can believe, thought we want to believe it is true, like when Måns is telling he has no problems with gays and does not know why he told such a stupid thing. 

But the thing is- I do not know him in private. So how do I know he is what he was telling? How can I make a joke about a colored people without that anyone gets offend? Is it possible? 

The truth is maybe, you can talk and act in a common ways but when you look over your own fence and therefore risk more, you won't be sure but can hope. 

Which does not means we have borders we should respect and except and there are things absolutely going to far, but though it seems so clear, sometimes we come them near and then we reach those line. 

A line we can cross or just touch like Johnny Depp in the movie "Into the wood" where he plays the wolf and in such a way that he is in danger to cross the line to be a pedophile but he never did. Thought some may already be offend. 

No, the world has not become to complicated but we have become to afraid to react calmly and first think before talk. We must learn again and teach each other to not immediately kill people when they tell what they see or believe. We also have to teach each other again more about meanings of words and to use our words more wisely again. I really do believe that many people mean no harm and just use the wrong words. Also many people overreact to much. 

Sadly the actual situation makes it much harder to discuss with people about certain themes. As we, because of those reaction system, judge to quickly. But here we have to, no we must get aware of the backlash which is just going on! Our actual chain reaction is helping those who lead the backlash. Far too many also like it as it feels comfortable and makes some people more powerful as being back in the old conservative times means people are more afraid and easier to lead. 

So I feel we have to take it more seriously with the question- where to draw the line?!

Love & Light

International women celebration day

Today is the 8. March. The day known as the celebration day of women.  Every year we will congratulate them in the western world (not sure if they will celebrate it in the non western world ever these days) and on the streets women get a rose in the hand to feel special. 

But do they feel special or as this day was meant to be- are they equal? 

Sadly we have to commit that equality is far from being a reality. The money for work is still less then man get for the same thing they do. Women are still called the weak gender. Women still are called to shut their mouth as many man really believe they can't know as much as they do. Though in university and schools they have become better and got better chances but then in working life they fall back. Sometimes far back. 

Why do they still get less money? It can't be the ecomony. It can't be the fact that they are home for children and get some money for it, as they do work too, or work hard at home and that means they are worth all the money. It can't be that they give birth to our children. So what is it then? Is it the fear that they are worth the same, know the same and can act the same. Is it the fear that they can find they own strength and way of being? 

But then it is not only the man to blame. No, even women makes it still unable to get equality. Women who prefer to stay stupid and wanna be a laughing stock. Women who really believe using their brain could damage them. Women who think a women has to stay home. Women believe that man - only them have the right for many women home. It's women who think they have to walk on high heels to please man. It's women who are wearing short cloths and pushing their breast up as much as they can to please man. It's women who still think math is hard and driving a car a man thing. And it is women who teach their own children the cliché of boys and girls and man and women. 

Even women who say they are for equality and want to rise their children in the right direction but fail at the end because their little girls have to get this or that girls toy and boys have to play with cars. It is also the grandmother or the aunt who comes to birthday and ignore the fact that mothers says give the child what it wants and not what the gender is. 

Yes, we have a changed reality but politic still ignores it and the spot on TV show the same old picture of man and women. Even the papers and magazine still do the old propaganda and say women have to be first in line to be beauty and then be there for the man and children and then maybe oh yes they also can work but please look beauty and be fucking nice and a doormat. Though reality is different and women at work are also those who do most damage against each other as the fight between them can be cruel and just give man the power to stand over them, even know the women can be much better and know better. Well, they should know better. 

So, this celebration day is still a reminder that we all have to do our lesson and that we all have to look at our self. Expecting it from others is easy but we should expect it from us too. 

Making children planting stupid plants to give it to their mothers on mothers day is not the right way. Making presents or buying them will be nice but useless until we act in the way of equality. 

Showing the respect each day and making each other aware of the fact that it is really time to get closer, is very important these days as religious try to push women down again. Down in the deep and very dark times and sadly I see less man fighting against these new old rules from orthodox. Sadly far to many women do, as they do it because it could be dangerous in the future and then they could have fear but they do it far to soon and don't say stop when they could. Far to many people take it for given when some government tell them what to do and how to cloth. Far too less fight for what they have got.  

Yes, let's celebrate this day but keep in mind that we are far from being totally happy. 

Same rights for everyone, no matter what gender. Same money for same job, no matter what gender. Same love for man and women, no matter what.

Love & Light

TBT- something I found the other day

sometimes, looking on your e-mails can reveal something you once did/ wrote and just forgot and also find a pic you don't remember...

On a day, on a tree

in the middle of a day

I went my way

along the avenue lookin' up 

and down and all around

felt all happy and lucky

and once more when I saw the bird

on a tree, strong and tall

its leaves have left last fall

I felt the wind blowing softly

I saw his colorful feathers moving lovely

and then he sang a song

I could listen to on and on

so beautiful the bird in the sun

brought me so much fun

I tried not to breath to heavy

knew I could lose him out of sight to early

but then the bird was flown away

maybe come back someday

since then I remember everyday

lookin' after him in every way

hope I do not forget

sure I'll never regret

know I can't tell he's mine

cos everything has it's time

but I will give a smile

once for a while

so gotta send him a kiss 

...but not as a good bye

       ------------

S.Beyer (Tom)/ Berlin; Jan. 2012

LOVE & LIGHT

Are we expecting to much from LOVE?

Love, a big word and oh so many thoughts around it. 

Love is something we hear many times in our life.

Our imaginations from this word are endless as each has it's own version what it means.

Of course it is common sense that it is a positive thing. A feeling. Something we should have in life, give and take.

The ways to love are so different and so diverse it brings many people to their limits. 

Why is that?

Well, don't we sing about love a lot? All those songs how high the love must be, how deep the love feels and how life must be and how we overcome fear. Mostly we sing about the love of two people who are also sharing lives together and everything. 

We also have movies more and more about the same way telling us and then all the TV-Shows... no matter what kind of and where it playes- Love is the unique theme. 

But you can love a sun, a mother, a friend and an animal, the flower or the garden. Yes, we love things too- sometimes to much. We even love our life sometimes. 

But these ways will not be what I will write about now.

So the love between two people as we romanticize is the reason why we can feel so deep blue and having a dark time. 

Mostly when we lost a love. 

But we forgot in many ways and times that love is not only meant for two people having the chance of making a family. 

But as we are thinking about this version of love. How did it changed over the past 100 years?

Once we married because of economy and blood. Now we marry also because of love. 

The movies in the cinema are giving us pictures of THE ONE. 

Many songs are telling us it is all or nothing now. 

We learned very god that it seems to be only black and white. 

Thought we know reality is not made of only beautiful people inside and outside. 

We hear that we always have to tell the truth and love always find a way. 

But if love is only a one way street- I assume it is better to keep your mouth shut. It does not lead to something god telling another one that you love him deeply, when he is not. 

But reality has also shown many times, that love maybe sometimes never find its way. 

We also say it is a feeling, it is so much more and above. But falling in love is first just a reaction, a chemical reaction and the result of our picture we have in mind, why someone is right. 

Maybe.

From what we get to know and then start to build up something we call relationship. Thought most of us nowadays don't come this far. Why?

Looking in our minds we get one of the answers. 

We have an ideal picture of how it should be. 

Once people also had an ideal picture (even if it was different) but they knew it was an ideal, nothing they will live up to, but can take as a guide. 

Now many believe that the only love, right love is to find someone who is exactly like that ideal picture we made up our self. Funny thing is, that we are god in making up something we believe is best and right but is actually wrong for us or not exactly what we need.

But then living up to an ideal is next to impossible. 

Question- Should one wait until we reach and got that ideal in real life?

Looking at the reality it seems to be better to advise not to do so. 

I mean can it be a wonder when people giving up hoping for the love, when we try to reach an ideal?

Fat people have hardly the best results and people who are disabled and also those who look too normal or so won't have it easy or ever the possibility. 

And why are we believing that out there is someone as exactly the man you dreamed of in character. It is not a doll we search. 

How then can we believe someone will be exactly like our dreams? Thought mostly or dreams is how someone looks and what he/she works and some things she/he does but the rest we blend out. 

Following the ideal leads mostly to getting disappointed as I have seen it many times. But we use to be it about another person instead of our self. When we are the ones who expected something from another human he/she has never ask for. 

Looking at how life goes on with many people it seems that actually some things we read are true.

Like when they write about that we search someone for the bed and someone for raising a family. It mostly means also to find someone for both is impossible. But alone this leads to a question many should ask them self. 

What am I searching? What am I needing? Someone for fun or someone for life?

And what should we do with our picture in mind? This beautiful illusion.

You are allowed to have it, to feed it, to love it but maybe we should keep in mind that what we find will just be close to this picture. 

So, are we hoping to find someone close to that picture we have - close as possible?

Should we be just lucky about that? Or should we wait and how close is enough? How close can we get, when we don't know our future? How save is actually a relationship we start, when there can be another human closer then the one we know? 

But then it is god to remember that the biggest love can be the worst relationship and some real big love is never meant to be more then just a moment. 

All those movies about the biggest love of your life is the one you will marry. Telling us, then you will be happy.

But happiness has nothing to do with it and the biggest love in a relationship can lead to depression as it can come out totally different as you may have dreamed of when you fall oh so deeply in love.

Shh, shh- did you hear that we discuss here something called a propaganda? 

Shh, shh- did you know it all is just a game at the end!?

1913 did Arthur Schnitzler say: "We all play. Who knows, is wise."

With all that in mind it is no wonder that we should ask our self--> Are we expecting to much?

What do you think? Are we? Write me here or go on Twitter: @SebastianisLove

LOVE & LIGHT