The Struggle

I guess each of us has this one year, where nothing, really nothing goes as planed or imagined. Usually it never goes exactly the way it was thought, but sometimes you have that one year, where nothing goes  right and then you question everything next to all the time. 

So one of the challenge is not to think to much and question all the time, but in this year all your believes are shattered. Unfortunately many people will not take it as a chance and after that year of freedom to decide, they go on as it never was (thought they always have a freedom to decide, just many don't believe in that possibility). Mostly of fear or they simple don't know better. But some people and I can tell yeah many of my friends and part of my family- and me, we try to use that time to reconsider, to think and ask ourself. What next? Where to go? Because you feel deep inside that this year means you have to finally say goodbye to some things for good. May it be thoughts, may it be what you worked with. I am sure most of you have already started this process the year or years before like I because we looked at our future and already knew it need a change if we wanna stay lucky and get happy. So it is nothing really new coming up that year, but it is very clear you have to do something as your body shows you more and more with t.ex. illness and the things you do are not functional anymore. They're over.  Obviously- but that is something you must see and this is only able when you are open minded.

Sometimes it also means to ask yourself where to live. Staying on the same place or leaving. Leaving for a bigger town or another country? What is it you'll gonna do, that will be your work in the future and what job is to put away for all and forever. 

For me it will be nursing this year, as I since two years feel that it is over and done with it, especially in Germany as working here is not really fun and will damage your health in the end and I already feel the effect of 15 years. In Sweden I had a much better working situation as a nurse. But I am not saying that my people here with whom I work together are bad. It is just that I can only work just as a nurse for medicine and will also study to be a teacher for the next generation of nurses. 

Of course many things have to change in that area, but this is another story.

For me it is also a year of the question where to live as I do have no own flat and so no place to sett my feet into the ground. Just now it feels I am nowhere home, thought I have a feeling being home in Berlin and Gothenburg. But without a job it is hard to find something. 

Now my living situation is very much like it has been and would be in Gothenburg above the job. But I decided to stay in Berlin, because of some reasons. Funny thing is one was to get faster an own flat, as it takes much time, to be exact years sometimes, in Gothenburg. 

What helps is the fact that I do have friends and that I decided to throw away what I believed about many things and that I go out and try out more then before, because I don't wanna wait and maybe it's the age, but I do care less what others may thing when I am out. 

But I did have new challenges in good and not so nice ways in private life too. Quite a lot to deal with and had also to made final decisions. On the other side, the more I do, the easier it gets. 

Also I am more political and less patience with some things that happen. I will not wait no longer; want to hear any longer that I am not equal. I am. I want the same rights and I want that people learn to focus on the common things more and more and be also in the same time more radical. Tolerance can be misunderstood and misused. I get tiered of those lying games. 

So trying and remember to have patience and to trust in the future as I still am not in the place I thought I would be already this year. It is sometimes less easy as I would like to have it. Also I feel that my hometown Berlin has become more aggressive and got to many tourist. The town is not ready for that and has to learn to deal with diversity more. But it seems that people are still not seeing that. Sadly it's very much Kindergarten going on. Which makes me angry sometimes. Berlin is young and will hopefully learn to make it like London but for that we also need a vision for Berlin, which I don't see and actually is missing since the end of world war one and sure two. 

Well one of the fact you know about such a year is also that you know it will make a point to break and come or start into a new future. Sure not everything is new, but you'll gonna have a new focus and grow out of the old and maybe also some habits will change in that year and maybe the way you look too. You simple know that whatever you do it will be important for your future as you start the things you need and let go the things which keep you away from it. You have learn what you are worth and will stay on that level and never go back. Yes, I read the other day that it would be less good to just take a downgrade just because you don't have patience. I managed to always stay minimum on same level, if not getting better/ up. 

I already felt the effect of having a less nice flat to live in as I used to and how it effects thinking and acting. So never let things keep you small or make you smaller as you are. 

Of course I am a lucky person as I do live in ol' Europe. I am very happy about that and will continue to discover it as I believe I will live again in another country. Just don't know where it will be. Berlin is a nice place, but you need to get away sometimes. I've learned through the last 5 years how good it was to be away and discover the town new and from an other point of view. But all in all those year gives me sometimes the hard feeling of a struggle as decision are going another way as planed and I have to try and try and try and wait and wait and trust. 

I know it has been just the first half of the year but never felt like this before as it would already have gone by a whole year. So I have to avoid question like- what if- as they lead to nowhere. But then, everything is getting good and better in the end and if not, it's not the end.

Love & Light