Two hearts

Now I am back in Berlin, Germany and it has been two months ago that I was leaving Gothenburg. 

Leaving again, as it was my second time I was working there. This time much longer and in town. 

Thinking back now and watching the pics I have made. I feel my heart pounding. In a god way and it is also interesting, as it is more then I expected. 

As starting again in Berlin has become much more different as planed, I wonder, but have no regrets. 

You know, it seldom goes the way as planed and in the end mostly you see why this was better. 

Thought it can be a challenge to have patience with yourself and how things are going on.

One is to discover that bureaucracy has become worse since 2013 when it is to work in another country. Had I known this, maybe things have already went another way. But so it is and I have to do as needed. 

Even when I know much more then before that my heart is bound to Berlin, I still have part of it in Gothenburg. Of course, it never was such a bad place. It was the other way round and above the trouble I had, I had a god time and working there was nice and I learned so much. 

Lucky as I am, I am still in contact with my colleagues and that is a very nice feeling.

When I was in Thailand in January, I felt leaving was right and in the same time it began to feel like all what was happening is from a long time ago. Same now with my feelings of the Thailand journey. Feels already as it is from another life. Pictures can't bring back the feeling you had when you've been there. It's a memory of the fact what you felt. 

So looking at the picture from Gothenburg, I see the beauty and understand how easy it is to look over what was not so nice. In my mind I know the problems I had and why some things bothered me. But looking back is kind of doing it with a soft eye. 

Crazy thing is, when I am here I miss the other town. If I am there I miss my town here. Even known that I am more a -Berliner- and feel very comfortable here with all the things going on in town here, I sometimes still wonder, if I could live again soon in Gothenburg or Stockholm. But when I look on the job/ work I wanna do- I know I'll stay here quite a while. 

No, working in Sweden was nice, but how it went on was not the way I expected. But you live to learn and see how you can find the right way. 

Of course I am maybe thinking too much and just now I have more time as planed for such.

I wait for the time to know, how does it feel when I am working and learning again in Berlin. And how will it feel when I am back in Gothenburg to see my friends, colleagues and the places I worked at. 

When I left I was not that sure if Sweden would play a bigger part in my future. Now I think, it will, but maybe not that big just now, but maybe, many years from now I try it again, but who knows how the world, the politic and the private life will change. Maybe I first try England, as I am very curious to see how living there would be. So making my next journey when I have my holidays is already planed.

Yes, I am one of those who have to see the world, to try the things on other places and find out, if there is a place I am gonna settle down for a couple of years. 

I am free. Still have just myself to feed and pay my own bills. 

Sure not getting any younger but who can tell me it is impossible to try? No one! 

LOVE & LIGHT

licorice ice cream

an now Germany/ Alexanderplatz- Berlin

looking back at the year

Looking back at this year.. It's time again... Yes it really is and therefor I have to take a deep breath and now I can start telling you.. it really was a year with many changes... many challenges... and many things turned out another way as planed.. but this is common... most time they do turn out in an other way then planed, right? ...

When I think back, first of all, I am so grateful having such good friends around me, no matter where they live now.. because a lot of my friends have moved and so I can really say in the name of the word.. they are worldwide... Oh I got to know a lot of new people and also did I met some old again, I have not seen for a while. 

I really must think hard to remember all the things that happen... The year stared with an job in a hospital, which turned out not to be my place to stay and so I went back to my old job. Did not work with the same people there together but then it was a new challenge...  and I also started learning something new to get a higher position in the house...which I will end next year and hope to pass the test in February. It turns out to be the best thing I could ever have done and I had the chance to start this work much earlier as planed. It's still a lot to learn and to get through with the new position and I never though it could be so much work.... made me realize how less a "normal" worker does know about the job in a higher position. You must know, sometimes I which I could have more time for my stuff at work to talk with, to cherish them face to face, but because there is so much to do, it is hard to stay on what you which... 

You know, I really care about the people I work with, I have warm feelings for them. Usually you think that people in higher position don't care much about you... and many times this is true, but not always. 
It is also nice to see some people grow and getting stronger with the time no matter if it's the "normal" stuff or the chef or someone another... Yes we have a lot to deal with and we all know that next year will be a big challenge to, but we can make it as long as everyone tries to do it's best and to become a better person. It really is that simple, just try to become a better person and most of the problems will be gone at the end.

I always use to have much warm feelings for people I just meet once in a while... just because they are... So I really enjoy seeing them no matter where we met.
Yes, like so many others I did let myself open for an affair or better for some love... but well... Just now I can say, as much as I kind of love the people I met, no one was the ONE... Well, that was because I was also thinking a lot about my own expectation....and had to change some.. let lose some... because sometimes, you walk in the right direction but still have pictures in your had you don't need, when you want something different as you still get or as I still got...

Letting lose got me ill sometimes, but then it felt much better, so much easier.
And again, I am so grateful to have my friends and also I can clearly say, I have a second home in Sweden and my second family there. It was such a pity that I got ill the moment I wanted to fly back to them last time I had planed.. but that's the way it is sometimes.. you gotta deal with it. 

I also was thinking much about my future... not in a way how it exactly should be and not what will I have in five years.. it was more like, what if... I mean... I always wanted children and many people around me got one or will be parents next year.... It is so exited to see them, to listen to them.. and I am on an age where you sometimes think about the possibilities of not having children. I would not be the first and sure am not the only one... I surly can deal with this but as I can remember, I never wanted to be much older then 40 or 42 to become a father.. For the child and for me.. I never thought of being older then this... So not much time left....

Anyway this year was also a year I started traveling to other parts of the world again and it was amazing and I know where to travel next year... although I never though I will do it alone... that was never planed but maybe it will be that way, but I decided not to wait longer. So next year I am gonna be in Stockholm for pride and... to Bali... well on the way I will surely visit a friend in Asia... too. Also I plan a trip to London and Cardif.  

Another big thing this year is and was to make a Show again, after four years of a break I finally am back on stage. It's just a big dream.... Don't know if I would go on with that after this year but I still have another big project on the run, to sell my book, which I had no time this year to fix it... Well you'll never know what it's good for. I truly believe that every thing comes in the right way.... 
I also had such an enjoyment to see my flowers grow and have kind of a little garden next to my flat. 
Also my second grandmother died, but we had real nice funeral. Yes this year was also a year where people died... Some more beloved, some less but they had to go at last. In my world their are people dealing also with cancer, HIV and other diseases. It's not easy, but some made it through, other still have to deal with it and I know partly how it feels.... 
But therefore I am more then ever grateful for my life because I really love it. No matter how hard it seems to get sometimes, it is always worth living. I hope you can have the same feeling too. Yes, when I make my show and when you ask me about my numbers... mostly they really have something to do with me... I tell about love who went made, when you where young and naive and trusted blind in everyone. Or I am talking about to remember all the ways people have though me or how they pushed me... It really is something from my own live ... And that's why I hope people will like my show and also spend some money at the end for a project I think needs some help... It's by the way a project who helps victims of violence, of crime against homosexual, transgender or because they seem to fit in this kind of category. 

Otherwise, this year was everything you could imagine.... I saw love, hate, fear, passion, trust, lies, stupid things, funny things and have learned a lot, not only in the way of living, also with computers, writing and I also am happy, I still can drive a car and tank it... You know... I did not drove since two years... for me it's a long time and I was never a passion driver.  :-)
I also learned again, that doing spiritual work needs trust and time and comes when it comes ... much the same with sport... I started swimming this year again after 20 years not even swim a bit... It turns out to be the best thing I could do and I will continue with this next year... I also will move like many of my friends did this year. As much as I love my flat, it's just a "one" room.... I know some of you will say this is a first world problem.. and well you're right but then... I need to..:-)
But then again... I go my way, like everybody must and so I can only tell you you should follow your heart too... If it's going to a museum, or cinema, in the park or to a Guru like Amma... Do it! If not, you'll regret it.... mostly.... and... read books sometimes...;-)

So now I wish you all my friends and readers a very happy and calm and nice x-mas time and a happy new year when it comes.. also hope you take part in the fact to be aware that a new time has stared... Let's light up this world for a better, even know it will hurt sometimes in the beginning, cos letting lose of some habits can hurt more then you ever thought and forgive my friends that I did not always have had enough time for you... I will try to be better... and to remember all your birthdays... I must confess I was very bad this year with this.. If facebook would not show it..I maybe forgot the most, even my own....:-)
Let yourself be loved and loved in return... I really which you all the LOVE & LIGHT